"You Don't Even Have an iPhone."

I have a dry erase board directly outside of my bedroom door, and I really like having it there because it makes communicating messages for everyone just a little easier for me. Most of the time, however, I don't have anything important written on it, and my girls like to write/draw things on the board when they walk by.

Wednesday evening after my desk shift and before my evening run (this is becoming a thing, I promise), I went up to my room to change into workout clothes and saw one of my students portrayed in black and white with a comment about how her eyes looked like boobs, and I erased it and went about my day.

Sometime after room check, however, my board looked like this:

That's right, "I HEART TITS." I don't know if the artist was referring to birds or breasts, but based on the recent theme of my board, I went with the latter. While I have no problem with my students professing their adoration for "tits," I do not think my dry erase board is the proper venue, so I erased the message...but not before taking a picture of the board.

Photographing the art involved standing in my doorway with my iPhone 3GS aimed at the board (Go on, hate on me. I like my slightly outdated phone.) As I was attempting to take the picture, Connor walked by sporting her typical evening attire (or lack thereof) and asked, "Kim, are you taking selfies?" (That's what the kids call self portraits these days.) I told her I wasn't, but she insisted that we take a few. I attempted to do the thing where I hold out my arm and take the picture, but my former collegiate, sorority-mixing self couldn't quite take a picture that (a) was not blurry and (b) had both of us in the frame. Slightly frustrated, she pulled me into my bathroom and showed me how to take one in the mirror. (For anyone who's wondering: 1. Stand in front of the mirror. 2. Looking at the reflection of your phone, center the subject(s) in the frame. 3. Smile at the lens of the camera in your phone...not at your reflection in the mirror. 4. Take the picture. 5. Admire how great you look and discuss to whom you ought to send the selfie.)

After our brief photography session, I updated the board with a little message from me:

Ladies,
Please stop writing synonyms for "breast" on this board, and refrain from drawing boobs as well. Happy Thursday!
Love, Kim

As I was writing, Rebecca was in the hallway talking to one of her ex-boyfriends about something I didn't quite overhear. Connor, a loud and proud Blackberry owner, walked up to her and said, "Dude, Kim's iPhone is so old it doesn't even have a front-facing camera. Tell her how crazy that is,"  to which Rebecca responded, "You don't even have an iPhone."

I promptly thanked Rebecca for sticking up for me and headed down the hall to silence some girls who were laughing loudly at what I later learned was the Doritos "Goat 4 Sale" commercial. When I walked back by Rebecca, I heard her ask, "But you know you're an asshole, right?"

I can only hope the person on the other end responded in the affirmative. There's really just no other answer to that question.